Friendships are hard. They are hard to initiate, to maintain, and to let go of, they require constant upkeep and effort, compromise and selflessness. At least in my experience they do, and I can only talk about my own experiences. As a child I found it extremely hard to make friends, I was shy and atypical- the weird kid. From age 4 I was bullied in school for being different, and I could never understand other children really. I had a couple of close friends who seemed to stand up for me and accept me for who I was, but for one reason and another they didn’t stick around into my teenage years. In secondary school I was desperately lonely, franticly trying and failing to make friends, over and over, and in the end I settled for allowing myself to be used by others, because at least I felt like I had some sort of relationship with my peers, even if that was one of servitude and eventually abuse. The bullying continued throughout my secondary education and I didn’t really have much social intelligence- I didn’t know how to interact with people, least of all those my own age. My most secure friendships in school were those I had with my teachers, and I managed to create my own ‘bubble’ which consisted mostly of books, church and horses. Sure, I exchanged pleasantries with the other horsey girls, I attended church youth group (even the socials!) and I knew nearly all of the people that attended, but I never really made close friends- I was never anybody’s best friend.
This didn’t really bother me, my mother assured me that most people were friends in groups and that ‘best friend’ was a silly concept in itself, and I seemed quite content with that for a time. But now I see was that it wasn’t a ‘best friend’ I wanted, but a friend, or group of friends, that was as devoted and committed to a friendship as I knew I would be. I wanted someone who would spend every opportunity they had with me, who would talk to me all the time, and who would go to me before they went to their other friends. Because for a ‘best’ friend, I would do all those things.
In this, lies my biggest flaw when it comes to friendships- I expect people to put as much time and effort into the friendship as I do, I expect people to react to situations in the way that I would, and I expect people to care about me as much as I care about them. I’m not sure how to say this without sounding kind of arrogant, and that’s not what this is about at all- this post isn’t titled ‘Why I’m a better friend than you’ll ever be’ because I realise that’s just not the case, but I do think that as a general rule, I am a pretty good friend. I am selfless, considerate, kind, and always put other people’s needs before my own, as I was taught to do this from a very young age. However, this is not necessarily a good thing. In being what I thought was a good friend, I have become a martyr. When people don’t do what I expect from them, I bring up everything I’ve done for them, and use it against them. That’s not being a good friend, that’s just plain mean! And I don’t mean to do it, but I do, and it’s wrong, and I need to recognise that. I need to stop expecting people to treat me the way I treat them and start enjoying their friendship. If I feel the relationship is unbalanced, then instead of expecting the other person to put in more effort, perhaps I should instead resolve to put less in and let go a bit.
Because I have never had many friends, this is a hard thing to do. Letting go of friends to me is incredibly difficult, because to me they’re so valuable. I don’t think I’m very good at making friends, so naturally I’m afraid to give up on friendships I’ve already put so much effort into, and to be honest, the last couple of years has been the first time I’ve ever had to think about friends drifting away, as in the past they have just been snatched from me. I’m struggling to come to terms with the idea that people change, that friendships change, and just because I’m not as close to someone anymore, doesn’t mean they don’t care. People who I used to speak to daily now only get in touch once in a blue moon and that’s okay, because actually, when I think about it, there are going to be people who will naturally fill in the gaps. I might never have a best friend, or even a group of long-term close friends, and that’s okay. Most people you will meet in life will be in your life for a season, and it’s okay to be sad that the season has come to the end, but it doesn’t mean that it was any less genuine or meaningful simply because it hasn’t lasted as long as you’d hoped. People move away, people grow up, people change. They get new people in their lives and gain new priorities, and that’s okay, because at the end of the day, your happiness, my happiness, shouldn’t be dependent on other people.
This is the last point I want to make; as important as friends are, you can live without them. Your friends are not the be all and end all of your life, and if you can’t see your life functioning without them, then you need to look at yourself carefully and work out why. I’m not saying that friends aren’t necessary or important to having a happy and fulfilled life; I’m saying that basing your self-worth, or happiness, on a relationship you have with another person, is not healthy for either party. It puts you both under unnecessary pressure to maintain the relationship, and generates a lot of guilt feelings from both sides. And when the relationship inevitably breaks down, everyone suffers.
You are worth something, not because of whom you are friends with, not because of how much they care about you, but because of who you are. You are individual, unique, and breathtakingly beautiful. Your self-worth should come from within yourself, rather than the worth put on you by those around you. It is dangerous to rely on other people for your feelings towards yourself, for only you truly know how unprecedentedly wonderful you are.
If you are also struggling with friendships at the moment, particularly letting go and moving on, feel free to chat to me at any time, I’m always here for you.
Alley-cat
xxx
