Today I feel sad, I feel lost, I feel like I've missed out on my youth.
Today I feel old, I feel cold, I feel like my life is stuck in a rut.
Today I feel angry, like it's not fair, and I want to scream.
Today I feel alone, because nobody really understands.
But I know these thoughts are fleeting,
they gather speed, ready to take off again,
and I know they'll return again,
but when they leave I will rejoice,
because the weight of such feelings brings you down.
So if today you feel broken, gutted or entrapped,
if you've felt this way for hours or years,
know that all affliction is momentary and light,
and that everything is temporary,
and that it might never hurt any less,
but you'll grow stronger, more patient,
kinder and more resilient.
Know that even if your today is black,
you still have the power to bring joy,
you still have the strength to survive,
and if surviving is all you can do, that's okay
it's okay
because you're not alone,
because thousands of us feel this way,
and although the suffering of others brings me little comfort,
the knowledge of others fighting alongside me fills me with courage,
because humans are fragile, yet humans are so brave.
be brave today, I know you can.
© Alice Daley 2014
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Thursday, 19 June 2014
The worst day ever
I had the worst day ever:
Well last night I went out with my friend Robbie, we had a few pints, not a lot but enough to get me to the falling over stage. Consequently I did not sleep well, feeling sick and needing to pee and being generally a pathetic drunk because I'm not very good at being drunk.
This morning I was working a shift at Oxfam, I was extremely anxious because I usually work shifts with Jacob, so I'm not on my own with strangers, which I hate more than anything. I was feeling ill and hungover and that was my fault but whatever. I was really struggling to do anything because I was so wound up, and the other woman on with me, Sharon, was really bossy and horrid.
Today was also my first shift at my new job at Next. I finished working at Oxfam at 1:30, supposedly. but at 12:30 I had a panic attack because I'd missed my Job Centre appointment, which was at 10:00. I rushed as quickly as I could (on crutches) to the Job Centre, and had to wait AGES to be seen. Whilst I was waiting I phoned my friend Jake to ask him to come into town to see me before my shift at Next, because I was nervous.
So I did the job centre thing, then went to meet Jake at Oxfam, he wasn't there, because he'd gone to find me at the job centre, so I had to go back into town to find him. I then had a massive breakdown and panic attack, I had no money for lunch, and I was freaking out about my first shift so much, I was cobbing in the middle of the street, begging him not to leave me, until eventually he got pissed off with me, and left me in tears at the bus stop.
I got the bus to the retail park, walked into Next, crying my eyes out, the woman who was supposed to be in charge of me calmed me down and then I started working. The other workers were pretty nice, though not the usual sort of people I spend time with, but I was in agony within the first hour. The standing was too much for me, and I was so panicked and nervous and scared by it all and I kept dropping things and generally being useless.
So at 5:00 my break came, I went into the staff room and just burst into tears. First I rang the manager of Oxfam because I was scared and wanted to speak to someone and she was the first person who popped into my head. She told me to ask if I could go home. Then I called Jake and he was bloody useless because he was tired and peed off with me, or whatever, then I called my friend's mum who always gives advice and she told me to ask if I could go home too. So I did. I told my manager, well, sobbed at her a little until she said I could go home. I got back to where I'm staying at the moment, hungry and in agony, and I feel like the biggest failure ever. Who gives up on a new job after three hours?!
Alley-cat
Well last night I went out with my friend Robbie, we had a few pints, not a lot but enough to get me to the falling over stage. Consequently I did not sleep well, feeling sick and needing to pee and being generally a pathetic drunk because I'm not very good at being drunk.
This morning I was working a shift at Oxfam, I was extremely anxious because I usually work shifts with Jacob, so I'm not on my own with strangers, which I hate more than anything. I was feeling ill and hungover and that was my fault but whatever. I was really struggling to do anything because I was so wound up, and the other woman on with me, Sharon, was really bossy and horrid.
Today was also my first shift at my new job at Next. I finished working at Oxfam at 1:30, supposedly. but at 12:30 I had a panic attack because I'd missed my Job Centre appointment, which was at 10:00. I rushed as quickly as I could (on crutches) to the Job Centre, and had to wait AGES to be seen. Whilst I was waiting I phoned my friend Jake to ask him to come into town to see me before my shift at Next, because I was nervous.
So I did the job centre thing, then went to meet Jake at Oxfam, he wasn't there, because he'd gone to find me at the job centre, so I had to go back into town to find him. I then had a massive breakdown and panic attack, I had no money for lunch, and I was freaking out about my first shift so much, I was cobbing in the middle of the street, begging him not to leave me, until eventually he got pissed off with me, and left me in tears at the bus stop.
I got the bus to the retail park, walked into Next, crying my eyes out, the woman who was supposed to be in charge of me calmed me down and then I started working. The other workers were pretty nice, though not the usual sort of people I spend time with, but I was in agony within the first hour. The standing was too much for me, and I was so panicked and nervous and scared by it all and I kept dropping things and generally being useless.
So at 5:00 my break came, I went into the staff room and just burst into tears. First I rang the manager of Oxfam because I was scared and wanted to speak to someone and she was the first person who popped into my head. She told me to ask if I could go home. Then I called Jake and he was bloody useless because he was tired and peed off with me, or whatever, then I called my friend's mum who always gives advice and she told me to ask if I could go home too. So I did. I told my manager, well, sobbed at her a little until she said I could go home. I got back to where I'm staying at the moment, hungry and in agony, and I feel like the biggest failure ever. Who gives up on a new job after three hours?!
Alley-cat
Sunday, 8 June 2014
Pain
There are just days when the pain is too much, when my head aches so badly I want to scream, when I'm too exhausted to move and in too much agony to sleep. There are days when I cry my heart out because I know that this is my life and nothing I can do will change that, there are times I get so angry at the world for allowing me to be this ill for so long. And yes I know there are others who have been sicker for longer but that makes no difference to me. Telling someone they don't deserve to feel how they feel because others feel worse is ludicrous! You never hear anyone telling someone off for being too happy because other people are happier do you? Blah, this is a ranty I-hate-life post but I don't really care. I'm tired, and sick, and I just can't cope with stuff right now and I have wonderful people supporting me but they get tired and annoyed with me (understandably so) and I just don't want to exist anymore. Not in a suicidal way- that solves nothing, just in a 'life is too hard and I've fought for too long and it's not fair' sort of way. And I know that life just isn't fair sometimes but it doesn't make it any easier when you have to rely on pills to get you through the day, when something as simple as going to the toilet or having a wash leaves you thoroughly exhausted, it's just sometimes all too much. And the hardest part is that I've been worse, I know what it's like to be so ill you cannot move your head for weeks, I know what it's like to be unbearably sick, but that knowledge doesn't help me feel any better right now. Yes I've been worse, but it still hurts right now, it's still hard right now, and I really need a slab of chocolate, a bottle of wine, my boyfriend, and some trashy film to watch. It sucks that he lives so far away.
Sorry for complaining
Alley-Cat
Sorry for complaining
Alley-Cat
Saturday, 7 June 2014
Returning to Blogland
Hello there people,
I return to the land of the blogging... I took a break for a while due to many different factors but I feel now is a good time to return. I won't fill you in on all the boring details of what's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a very... changeable time. Still, things are looking to be on the up again, so that's something. I've just been employed, part time, by a leading fashion store as a sales assistant, which means I will be earning a bit of money as well as doing something vaguely productive with my time. I'm pretty nervous but very excited about this new role, and am hoping to put some good skills to use. Some of these skills I have learnt from working in two charity shops alongside good friends, Jacob and Hannah. I will continue to work at the charity shop even when my new job starts because I enjoy it, and I still want to contribute some of my time to voluntary work. Plus, you get some real gems in charity shops, like my new, and very lovely fluffy rabbit onesie!
That's all for now folks,
Alley-Cat
I return to the land of the blogging... I took a break for a while due to many different factors but I feel now is a good time to return. I won't fill you in on all the boring details of what's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a very... changeable time. Still, things are looking to be on the up again, so that's something. I've just been employed, part time, by a leading fashion store as a sales assistant, which means I will be earning a bit of money as well as doing something vaguely productive with my time. I'm pretty nervous but very excited about this new role, and am hoping to put some good skills to use. Some of these skills I have learnt from working in two charity shops alongside good friends, Jacob and Hannah. I will continue to work at the charity shop even when my new job starts because I enjoy it, and I still want to contribute some of my time to voluntary work. Plus, you get some real gems in charity shops, like my new, and very lovely fluffy rabbit onesie!
That's all for now folks,
Alley-Cat
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